A Declining Desire for Expression
As I gain knowledge and life experience, my desire to express myself is slowly declining, reaching an all-time low. Although I communicate frequently with people, the conversations never delve into the important issues that I truly care about. When I face difficulties, I tend to solve them on my own without bothering others.
A Worried Mind
I contemplate many ideas, but no longer verbalize them, instead seeking fulfillment through reading. As a result, I am increasingly distancing myself from acquaintances and turning to anonymous platforms to share my thoughts.
I feel like I have changed. I have considered various reasons, some of which may be mere excuses. But I've decided to write them down.
I opened my phone's note-taking software to write down my thoughts, which came to me before going to bed last night. While trying to organize my ideas, I became anxious about whether the article would meet the standards I imposed upon myself.
In most of my works, I divide the content into paragraphs with titles, hoping it's easier for readers to understand. But it seems unnecessary and restrictive, thwarting my desire to write a freeform journal where I can express my unbridled thoughts.
Fear and Limitations
It's not like I'm writing a book. I'd like to be more carefree and not worry about how others perceive my work, but something is holding me back, and I don't know what it is.
Although I think my articles' content may lack depth and quality, constantly seeking more information and making information as comprehensive as possible feels constricting and surface-level, making it tough to delve deeply.
I've read pieces by accomplished authors, focusing on small topics and intimately discussing them. Such pieces often inspire readers, enlighten them, and enable them to extrapolate clearly.
Another issue I face is fear that my content will soon become outdated, making me hesitant to share anything. I have practical experience but believe my knowledge is too tied to my specific situations, making it time-sensitive and challenging to universalize.
Ignorance and Acknowledgement
I'd like to write some tutorials, but it seems unnecessary since readers can access documentation, and the tutorial may not align with current best practices.
I'm apprehensive about exposing my ignorance and inadequacies, particularly with complex topics where acting like an expert is tempting. But rather than deceive others, recognizing one's limitations is crucial to bettering oneself. As Socrates put it, acknowledge your ignorance and strive to improve actively.
Misinterpretation and Understanding
Still, I worry that others will misinterpret my ideas, as my perspectives often differ from those of my contemporaries or have been refined significantly over time. Yet, keeping one's thoughts locked away tends to be an exercise in futility. Indeed, expressing and sharing with others is a way of winnowing like-minded individuals and finding kindred spirits.
Since I don't believe I've found mine yet, nor have I given up hope, I wonder if something's amiss. Lastly, I'm scared of annoying others, which makes it hard to express my deepest feelings to my friends. Thus, I prefer to keep them to myself, even though I'll often act on them with practical deeds.
I've gradually become disinterested in sharing, much like when I saw the beautiful sunset and clouds exploding with color one afternoon after leaving work. I didn't feel like taking a photo and sharing it with my friends, even though many were snapping pictures. It's strange since I used to enjoy taking pictures of everything, but I don't know what caused my psychological shift or if it's good or bad.
Time to Take a Break
When I’m entrenched in something and realize it's not as vital as I previously thought, should I give up? I've encountered this kind of decision frequently in my life, and the initial step is to examine the "initial heart" or what I hoped to accomplish. Before discontinuing the work I've accomplished, it's vital to ensure it advances toward the original intention I had in mind.
Though I've been publishing frequently in the last two months, I've decided to take a break. It may be weeks, or months. I'll spend more time with my girlfriend and work on adjusting my mindset to tackle future challenges and prepare for opportunities.
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